Off to Rhinebeck with a Broken Heart

Well, folks, Lisa and I are heading out tomorrow afternoon! I am as excited as a kid on Christmas Eve. I have snacks, my head lamp (so I can knit on the bus after dark), two projects to work on and a wad of cash in my purse. Lisa's an old hat at Rhinebeck, but it's all new to me.

Sadly, I will not be wearing my Wisteria sweater, although I will bring it along to work on. I am only 20 rows from completing the body, but there are still two sleeves, each of which are cabled at the wrist. I toyed with staying up all night to finish it, but there's a point when you just have to let it go. I'm at that point.

I am going to operate on a cash only basis so that when the money runs out my shopping is done. That way I'll be less likely to go over my budget. I'm going to try very hard to stick to it. Of course, the budget doesn't include any monies spent at Webs tomorrow afternoon. I will be taking a look in the warehouse, of course.

In other news, I got my echocardiogram results this week. I have had some regression since I stopped taking my beta blocker this summer. I will be seeing my cardiologist (who looks like a very cute 12 year old) tomorrow right before I leave on my trip.

I've been pretty down since my doctor sent me the results. People who are diagnosed with an Ejection Fraction (EF) of 30% or greater usually resolve their condition within a year. People diagnosed below that mark have a much lower chance of healing. Since I was at 33% +/- 5%, I could go either way. After leaving my job, I improved significantly and had an EF of 60% +/- 5% (totally normal) last fall. I was hopeful that if I maintained that level for a year, I might be able to stop the medications and resume my normal life. The regression means I might have to go back on my old meds, which means more problems with asthma and all the other crappy side effects I have from beta blockers. Sadly, I've had some slight enlargement and my EF droped to 52% +/- 5%.

I know intellectually that's not a big deal. Technically, I'm still in the normal range, and I have been for the last 3 echos. That's something to be really happy about. There can be variations in EF from day to day that could explain the slight regression.

Emotionally, I'm really fragile right now. I've felt so much better and so HOPEFUL since I stopped the beta blocker. I dread the thought of taking a step backwards when I was so looking forward to coming to an end of this whole episode. I am trying to accept that I may have to take the medications, and then additional medications to counteract the side effects, for the rest of my life. The good news is that I'll be perfectly healthy. The bad news is that this heart problem will be a permanent part of my life. Even though I've contemplated that eventuality for 2 years, deep down I always thought I'd get past this point.

So I'm heartbroken right now (no pun intended). The only thing helping me keep my chin up is the excitement of Rhinebeck. If I had to have bad news, it couldn't have come at a better time.

Anyway, I try to keep my blog light and don't want to make my crappy ticker a regular part of this blog. So that's the way things stand right now, and I have a gut feeling that my very conservative cardiologist is going to go for the cautious approach tomorrow. Guess I better bust out the granny pill organizer again!

BUT...I'm going to Rhinebeck! Wheeeee!