I Told Them I Couldn't Cook!

As most of you know, I do not cook. Over the almost 17 years of our marriage, Jim has done the majority of the cooking. Why? He likes to cook, he's good at it and it relaxes him.

From time to time, Jim tries to teach me to cook. His lessons consist of him telling me to do something and then criticizing my "technique." For example, he especially dislikes the way I use a whisk. I don't have the appropriate wrist action. He inevitably ends up taking everything away from me and doing it himself "the right way." Needless to say, after about 10 of these lessons, I learned to say "no, thanks!" when he offers to teach me to cook.

I like baking. Baking relaxes me. I like the way you combine a bunch of ingredients into one bowl, mix them together, put them in some type of baking implement and throw them into the oven. No fuss, no muss. The oven does all of the hard work -- I'm only responsible for getting the ingredients mixed and into the oven. I don't even have to pay attention to the oven because it has a timer that automatically lets me know when the baking is done! Cooking, on the other hand, requires one to do a lot of preparation, often in several different bowls and containers, and then hover over everything while you cook it on the stove. There may be continual stirring, or the adding of various ingredients at certain times, and the changing of heat levels. In cooking, the cook controls everything and must attend.

This rather lengthy treatise on cooking/baking is just a lead in to What Happened to Me Yesterday.

You see, we had about a pound of fish left over from my last trip to the fish market. Jim froze it and we agreed that it would be used to make a fish chowder. I adore fish chowder, especially my mom's version.

When my mom was in town a couple of weeks ago, I asked her to help me make chowder. I bought the ingredients, but somehow we never got around to making the chowder. So, on Monday I suggested that this would be a good week to make the chowder and Jim agreed.

On Tuesday morning, I called my mom and added all of the ingredients I needed for the chowder to my weekly grocery list. Then Jim said that I should start the chowder before he got home. He said he thought that would be easiest. I told him that I didn't think I would be able to make an edible chowder. Seriously, I knew there was the delicate cooking of a milk product involved, and that's just a recipe for disaster with me. Jim insisted that chowder was simple and I would be able to do it. "Just call your mom and ask her how she makes it!"

After the shopping was done, I called my mom. This is the recipe she gave me, based on the notes I took during our conversation:

Mom's Fish Chowder

Dice some potatoes and cook them separately. Cut up 1/2 of an onion and saute it in olive oil with 4-5 pieces of bacon cut up into small pieces. When you are done sauteing, make a roux (I have no idea how to spell that) with 2 tablespoons of flour and a cup of cold water. Add that into the bacon and onions and stir. Use low heat. When it thickens, add the potatoes, the fish and slowly add the milk and heavy cream so they don't curdle. Voila! Fish chowder! Easy peasy.

Right away, I had some questions.

Me: Do I saute in the frying pan?

Mom: No, I do mine in my Dutch oven.

Me: Do we have a Dutch oven?

Mom: Yes, the one I gave you.

Me: What does it look like?

Mom: The big metal pot with two handles.

This initial exchange should have warned my mother that I was already swimming beyond my depth with this recipe. Did she try and stop me? No.

I started the chowder at 4:45, figuring I would have plenty of time to get the ingredients together by 5:45, which is when I usually go to pick up the kids from school. I called my mom again:

Me: How big do you cut up the potatoes?

Mom: I dice mine.

Me: Like into little cubes?

Mom: Yes.

Me: Do I boil them in water or saute them?

Mom: Boil them, of course! (talking like I'm stupid, which I am about cooking).

Me: Okay. How long?

Mom: Geez, Wendy! You know how long! Boil them until they are soft.

Me: Okay.

I hung up and called Jim.

Me: Jim, how long do I boil potatoes?

Jim: How big are the pieces?

Me: I'm cubing them into little cubes.

Jim: I figure about 15 minutes. Test them to see if they are soft enough.

Me: Okay!

I hung up and began peeling the potatoes. Once they were peeled, I started to dice them. The first potato I cut flew off the counter and onto the floor. The second piece I cut did the same thing. I tried three different knives before I found one that seemed sharp enough to work. I put the potatoes in our big saucepan and started them to boil. So far, so good.

The next step was the onions and bacon. I decided to put in a whole oinion, because when I cut up half an onion it looked too small. While cutting the onion, my eyes started to sting. I reached up to wipe my eye with the back of the hand holding the knife and flung half an onion and a few small pieces stuck to the knife onto the floor.

My next step was to put the onions into the Dutch Oven (or the "big pot" as it is known to me) to saute them. I sprinkled in a bit of olive oil and turned the burner on medium. The oil started to smoke and sizzle almost immediately, so I threw in the onions and turned the heat down a bit. I let the onions saute while I went to cut up the bacon.

Now, please understand that I picked out some thinly cut, inexpensive bacon to use in this recipe. I grabbed what I thought was the package of bacon out of the fridge and pulled out a big, thick slab of bacon. It did not look like what I purchased, but I thought maybe I picked up the wrong thing. Again, I had to try out a couple of different knives to find one sharp enough to cut the bacon. Note to Jim: We need to sharpen all of our knives. It was slippery and difficult to cut, so my "small" pieces were kind of largish and thick. (I later realized that I was using the extra thick hickory bacon Jim bought, and not the run-of-the-mill cheap bacon I bought).

I checked on the onions. Somewhere in the recesses of my brain, I remembered that onions would look clear when they were done. I saw that the onions had been sauteing for 15 minutes with no apparent change, so I thought I should add more olive oil. I poured a generous helping in and then put in the bacon.

At first it smelled really good and I was excited. By this time, the potatoes were done and they looked fine. I had the frozen fish thawing in the microwave, and about 30 minutes left before I had to leave for the kids. Oddly, however, the bacon was not really getting crispy like it should, and was instead a series of pasty white blobs that looked disconcertingly like larvae. Also, the onions still weren't clear. I decided to put in another call to my mom.

Me: The onions and bacon aren't cooking. The bacon is just in big, floppy blobs!

Mom: How long have they been in the pan?

Me: About 30 minutes. Do you think I might have too much olive oil?

Mom: How much did you put in?

Me: About 1/2 cup.

Mom: That's way too much! You only need enough to coat the bottom of the pan until the bacon starts to melt. Take a few tablespoons out. (I followed her advice and took out about 5 tablespoons).

Me: Uh-oh, a black residue is forming on the bottom of the pan!

Mom: How high is the heat?

Me: It's on medium!

Mom: I don't know, that should be fine.

Me: It's getting worse -- it's a big burned mess.

Mom: Well, throw it out and try it again.

Me: (thinking to myself, not bloody likely!)

I got off the phone with my mom, shed a few tears and called Jim.

Me: (crying) I think my chowder is inedible. The onions and bacon are a black, smelly mess. Why did you think I could do something this complicated???

This is what my end result looked like:



When Jim got home, he assured me that the onions were just carmelized and that they smelled good. It was a sweet gesture, but I know he was lying. He admitted to me today that he and my mom had discussed the incident and agreed that a recipe involving a bunch of different techniques, like sauteing and a roux, was probably beyond my limited cooking capabilities.

The fish went back into the freezer and we mashed up the potatoes, which were perfectly boiled, by the way.

The 2 olives are STILL in the refrigerator, for those of you who might be wondering. I'm going to see how long they stay in there until Jim either (a) makes them into a sandwich (right) or (b) throws them away.

Today Was a Good Day

I love it when we have a good family day!

Jack woke up at 6:30 and his first word was "Bawberries" (strawberries). Of course he also woke up Lily, so the three of us went downstairs and let Jim sleep in for a bit. When Jim got up 2 hours later, he let me go up and sleep for a bit. Two well rested parents is a Very. Good. Thing!

Once everyone was up and showered, we decided to go to Cambridge and get dim sum at Mary Chungs. Jim eats there once a week and they have the best Suan La Chow Show (this is my best effort at spelling it). It's like crack -- once you taste it, you must have more. Since we tend to go into Chinatown for dim sum most of the time, it was a nice change. Also, the staff knows Jim pretty well, so they always give us and the kids a little extra attention, which is nice. Lily must have eaten about 10 steamer buns, including all the little squares of steamed cabbage they come on. We ended up asking for a second order of the buns because she had eaten most of the first order and wanted more. Even Jack (aka He Who Never Eats) ate crab rangoon, shu mai and some steamer buns. His big favorite was the Dun Dun Noodles that Jim ordered. They are VERY spicy, but since they put the noodles into the dish and put the spicy stuff on top, you can usually eat from the bottom of the noodles and get only some spiciness. Jack was shoving those noodles in like there was no tomorrow until he hit on one that was a little too spicy. Poor kid. He turned bright red and made some gagging noises. We got him to drink some water and he felt better, but he didn't eat anything else after that!

After lunch, we went to the local art store and picked up some art supplies for the kids. By the time we got hom, Jack was passed out in his car seat, so he went down for a nap. Lily and Jim worked on her art project and and I did some reading and a lot of work on the scarf pattern I'm trying to come up with. I actually managed to work out some of the bugs and now the scarf is about 1/3 finished. I've never made up a crochet pattern before, so I feel pretty proud of myself!

After Jack woke up, we all hung out in the living room and watched some Harry Potter while the kids played. Since we'd had such a late lunch, we opted for a soup and sandwich dinner. Everyone, even King Picky himself, ate some dinner. We had a little more family time, and then the kids went to bed without a fuss. Jim's off to his weekly cartoon night at a friend's house, so I had a few hours of peace and quiet to work on my scarf project.

With the exception of one little hissy fit this morning, Lily behaved like a model child. She shared with Jack, told him she loved him and even played with him. Jack was only fussy for a short time after he woke up from his nap soaked in drool. A change into dry clothing and a cup of milk fixed that problem. It really felt like I was doing something right as a parent and wife today. Why can't it be like this all the time?

Like Father, Like Daughter

Before I tell you this story, I want you to know I did struggle with my conscience about writing it. For about three seconds!

We like to eat breakfast out every six weeks or so, and we've lately been eating at the International House of Pancakes, better known as "IHOP." In fact, Jack learned how to imitate a frog today after we talked about the acronym IHOP, but I digress. A few months ago, we were getting ready to go out to breakfast and Lily was being obstinate. I can't remember if it was lack of sleep, feeling sick or just general cussedness, but she didn't want to get dressed or go to the "stupid IHOP." After some discussion and threats, she unwillingly got dressed, but informed us that, if we made her go, she was going to wear her shoes on the wrong feet. We decided we could live with that if she could, so off we went.

We arrived a little later than usual, due to the battle of wills at home. Unfortunately, we just missed that window of time where we would be seated immediately (before 10 am, if anyone decides to eat at the Saugus IHOP), and we had to wait about 10 minutes. As we were sitting there, I noticed that a couple on the bench across from us were watching Lily and smiling. I smiled back, and the woman said "She has her shoes on the wrong feet." Lily said "I did that on purpose!" and the couple laughed, and told us their daughter sometimes did the same thing. As we were taken to our table, I saw other patrons looking at her feet and smiling.

Fast forward to this morning. We had promised last night that we would take the kids to IHOP in the morning, and they both woke up raring to go. Despite the heavy snow/ran mix that was falling, we made it to the restaurant before 10 and were seated immediately. The kids ordered their usual "Make a Face" pancakes, I ordered my usual corned beef hash and scrambled eggs, and Jim, as usual, ordered the special that offered the most sickly sweet pancake creation and too much other food. I think he does that just so he can tell me he ate too much on the way home, because that's what happens every time. This week's special pancake was Shortbread Pancakes with strawberry syrup. Ugh.

After a nice breakfast together, we got back in the car to go home. As I started the engine, Jim lifted his feet a bit so I could see them and said "Are my boots on the wrong feet?" I said, "I'm not sure" and he said "Yep, they are" and pointed. Sure enough, the side zippers were on the inside and you could see the toes curved to the outside. After laughing until tears came into my eyes, I asked "Didn't they feel uncomfortable?" and Jim said "Well, they're so big I didn't notice."

Will the Sickness Never End?

Jack and I are still sick. We both have runny noses, croupy coughs and fevers. I have officially been sick since before New Years. Jack, who went for his 2 year well baby appointment on Monday, does not have strep throat or an ear infection, so I guess what we have is some kind of virus. We weren't feeling too hot until today. We're hanging out at home and took a nap pretty early this morning. I think we both seem a lot more energetic this afternoon.

Jack had to go in for a blood draw this morning at Melrose Wakefield Hospital as a part of his well baby check up. I waited until today because (1) neither of us felt well enough to do it on Monday, and (2) I didn't want to bring Lily. Lily told Jack he was going to get a shot that hurts the last time he needed one, and I didn't want to have to deal with whatever she would have said about the blood draw. The draw is a routine test for lead levels, which is required in Massachusetts. He'll need it for his records when he starts Kindercare part time next month.

Lily has had a big week. When my father was here for Jack's birthday, we ate at the Chinese buffet at the Mandarin in Reading. Since it was just after the Chinese New Year, we all got a present of $1 when we entered the restaurant. We all gave Lily our dollar bills (except Jack, who kept his of course). She decided to use them to buy a stuffed animal from Barnes & Noble. She saw several animals she wanted a few weeks ago when we picked up a birthday present for her friend Clare.

She didn't have enough New Years money to buy her animal, so we offered to pay her for doing some chores around the house. She reluctantly cleaned up the living room one night and set the table. Then she pointed out that she had "millions of money" in her piggy bank. We opened it up and I'll be damned if she didn't have $10.00 in change in there. With the dollar her Granddaddy gave her before he left, her New Years money and the piggy bank, Lily had $15.00 in her wallet to spend at Barnes & Noble.

We went over to B & N after ballet class on Wednesday and she looked at the various animals. Initially, she told me she wanted the unicorn she had seen. The unicorn was $7.95. She had also expressed interest in a guinea pig and a reindeer (both $7.95). Once we arrived in the store, she found a white Westie dog that she liked (no tag). Then she found a "soft kitty" that she liked ($7.95). I reminded her that she already has 4 cats, but she basically ignored me. We checked out a different section of the store. There we found large unicors for $14.95 each. She liked the one posed lying down, but was unhappy that it had a purple ribbon on its neck. The one with the pink ribbon was standing up, and she didn't like that pose. Then she found another soft kitty ($7.95) and proposed buying it. Almost as soon as the words left her mouth, she found a white puppy ($7.95) and snatched it up. She immediately told me its name was Sarah and that it wanted to come home with her. We ended up walking back and forth between the two sections a few more times, but Lily ultimately chose Sarah.

At the register, Lily said "How will I know what money to give?" I told her that I would take out the right amount from her wallet. She handed me the wallet when we got to the register. With my member discount, the dog was about $7.50. Lily said "Do we have to give her all of my money?" I assured her she would have some left over, and she said "Good, because I'm going to save to buy one of those soft kitties." I said she would have to do some chores to earn money, and she said "Only if I get to make up the chores. I don't like your chores."

Since I haven't really posted about it, Jack's birthday was a success. He had a Thomas cake and Thomas balloons and the kids played pin the number on Thomas and got Thomas tattoos and Thomas gift bags. Jack had three guests: our neighbors Tyler and Emma and our family friend Connor. Connor, who's about 9 months younger than Jack is just as big as him! Connor and Jack had a great time playing with the Thomas train set and Little People Fire Truck Jack got. Lily played with the older kids, although Tyler (5) also enjoyed the train set quite a bit.

Jack literally screamed with joy when he saw me bringing the balloons in from the car. It is my favorite memory from the day. Also, the expression on his face when he saw that his Thomas cake had a real Thomas train on it that road around on a little track was priceless. Worth every penny.

Jack's presents on the day included:

Thomas Stop and Go Train Set and Play-Doh pack (from Mama and Papa)
Little People Fire Truck (from Connor)
Little People Dump Truck set (from the Coles)
Toy Table Saw (from Tyler and Emma, goes great with his toy drill from Christmas!)
Hard hat and big scoop loader (from Grammy and Granddaddy)
Musical saxophone and Pirate Potato Head (from Grandma and Grandpa)
Fishing Set (from Aunt Marcy, Uncle Jonathan, Claire and Andrew)
Small dump truck and scoop loader (from Lily)
Gerald McBoing Boing book (from Cindy Cole)

I hope I'm not forgetting anything! He has really played with everything, especially the saxophone. He gave us quite a performance the other night, and he expects us to applaud wildly at the end. If we don't, he claps for himself until we do!

A Fun Time Was Had By All...Except Me.

We have been very busy this weekend. On Saturday, Lily had her friends Tyler and Emma Lau over for the afternoon. They had a lot of fun playing dress-up and making paper airplanes.

That evening, our friend (and Tyler and Emma's mom) Beth invited us to dinner and made homemade macaroni and cheese that was to die for. The kids played upstairs after dinner and the adults had a few beers and played "Apples to Apples," a hilarious party game. Once the kids went to sleep, we played "Scene It," a video game on the Xbox 360. Everyone got a handheld controller to buzz in their answers about various movies, actors, characters and famous lines. It was a lot of fun. We left around midnight with Jack, but Lily stayed over with Emma. Beth and her husband Alex live across the street, so we've had a few of these game nights and hope to do it more often.

The next morning, we picked up Lily and then headed into the city with the Laus for dim sum at the China Pearl in Chinatown. Jim and I love to get dim sum and were taking the kids into Chinatown once a month or so. We were happy to learn several months ago that the Laus do a regular dim sum there, too! This is the second time we've all gone to China Pearl together. Alex is part Chinese, so he always recommends something new and different for us to try, and the kids love it when our families go out together. This morning, Tyler was on a playdate with one of his school friends, so it was just Lily, Emma and Jack.

Unfortunately, my chest congestion had been getting worse. This morning, I noticed I was having some trouble breathing after going up and down the stairs. By the time we got to China Pearl, I was really having a lot of trouble breathing. We finished dim sum and then Beth and Alex offered to take the kids home while Jim took me to the hospital.

I don't like to go to the emergency room, and I didn't feel like my breathing issues were an emergency. On the other hand, I didn't feel like I could wait until tomorrow, when my doctor has office hours, because my difficulty breathing felt like it was getting worse. Once we got to the hospital, I was relieved to see that the walk-in medical clinic was open, so we went there instead of the ER.

After a chest x-ray and a nebulizer treatment, it turns out that I'm having an asthma flare up. Jim and I were both pretty surprised -- I had medication induced asthma when I was first on heart medication, but it cleared up almost immediately once they switched me to a new med. Neither of us thought I could get asthma from something else, but apparently this chest cold triggered an attack. Good to know. I'm breathing much better and was prescribed some prednisone and albuterol to keep everything clear until this cold goes away.

As a result of my side trip to the hospital, Lily and Jack got to have another afternoon of play time with their friends. When we got home from the hospital, Jim and I went over for a beer and some snacks while we watched the Pats game. I left after a little while to have a nap at home, but Jim and the kids stayed until the game was over. Jack was completely worn out when he got home!

So, everyone had a great weekend, except for me. My weekend was only *mostly* great. I do hope we continue the game nights, though. I haven't laughed so much in years!